If They Mated: Bucks vs. Heat Edition

This series has unfolded as everyone besides Brandon Jennings expected. But that doesn’t make the results any less depressing.

That’s where I come in. I’m here to change the subject and find something more fun to think about besides Jennings not knowing how to shoot and Ish Smith receiving playing time. I’m going to answer the question of our generation: what would the Milwaukee Bucks and Miami Heat look like if they mated?

Here’s some necessary context:

I apologize in advance.

Brandon Jennings + LeBron James =

LeBrandon Jennings

This kid has swag literally oozing out of his ears. It’s gross. But also cool! He’s pretty good at basketball. Not as good as his dad, LeBron. But still pretty good.

Monta Ellis + Dwyane Wade

Montwayne Wadellis

This guy. This guy!  What a guy. Look into his eyes and tell me he doesn’t have it all. I dare you. It’s impossible. Try it. Come on.

LARRY SANDERS! + Chris Bosh =

LARRY Bosh!

LARRY Bosh! was named “Tiniest Nose” in high school and he hasn’t looked back since. His limited sense of smell helps him have hearing similar to a bat. It’s nuts. Say something. Right now. Anything. You say it? Ha. Well LARRY Bosh! just heard you. Kid’s got talent I say I say.

Mike Dunleavy + Chris Andersen =

BIRDLEAVY

A super cool thing about BIRDLEAVY (legal name Christopher Michael Andersen Leavy) is he was born with the same exact face as his father and the same exact love of art and mohawks as his other father. It’s incredible. Oh, and he can fly.

Ersan Ilyasova + Udonis Haslem =

Ersanis Haslova

Ersanis Haslova is the greatest basketball player of all time. You already know that. Let’s move on.

J.J. Redick + Mike Miller =

Tom Cruise

Thomas Cruise Mapother IV (born July 3, 1962), widely known as Tom Cruise, is an American film actor and producer. He has been nominated for three Academy Awards and has won three Golden Globe Awards. He started his career at age 19 in the 1981 film Taps. His first leading role was in Risky Business, released in August 1983. Cruise became a full-fledged movie star after starring in Top Gun (1986). He is well known for his role as secret agent Ethan Hunt in the Mission: Impossible film series between 1996 and 2011. He also plays basketball.”

Marquis Daniels + Ray Allen =

Rayquis Dalleniels

Rayquis Dalleniels loves to smile. Smile smile smile. It’s all he does. It’s all he wants to do. It’s all he has to do. You’d smile too with hair like that. What style. Smile smile smile.

John Henson + Shane Battier =

Shane Henson, M.D.

Born out of wedlock to a father from Duke and a father from North Carolina, Shane Henson has yet to grow into his teeth. “It’ll take time,” his dad says. “It looks cool,” his other dad says. “Chomp chomp chomp,” his teeth say.

Jim Boylan + Erik Spoelstra =

Jimmy Erik Spoelstra

This one is too real. I’ve gone too far. I apologize. Jimmy Erik Spoelstra deserved better.
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Categories: Ridiculous Things

Jon Hartzell is a writer/producer at NBA.com who likes the Bucks.

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